tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
