Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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