Already got asked if we're dating
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
