Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
