there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
