is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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