Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
