Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
