somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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