She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
