Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
nutella sex= disaster
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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