____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
