i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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