she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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