Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
