That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Randomize
