It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
