It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
