If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
