My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
