i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
