I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
