you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hippo gnu deer
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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