stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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