can u get pink eye on your cock?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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