Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My vagina just clenched in fear
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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