"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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