Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
cat food counts as protein by the way
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
