So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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