there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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