We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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