I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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