my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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