dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
