i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
