Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
