Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
