Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
