Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
we should paint friendship bongs
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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