apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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