May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The power of my boobs compel you
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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