wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize