There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
