oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
