The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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