Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
