Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
