I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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