I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
