I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
