Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
