So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Fuck me I smell like cheese
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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