ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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